70. A darker shade of blue

When routine bites hard 

And ambitions are low 

And resentment rides high 

But emotions won't grow 

And we're changing our ways 

Taking different roads 

Love, love will tear us apart again

Joy Division - Love will tear us apart

I go through
my days
knowing
I'll never find
another you

so I don't look
as I walk

my sight
is fixed
on a blurry mirage
far beyond
far from here
far from now

I don't want
another

it may sound
sad
but I know
I must have
played around
on true feelings
of others
before
and this is
what I'm getting
now

and it is not
you to blame
I'd never ever
put this on you

you're just playing
along the script
you've been handed
because
this is
but an eternal loop
with no ending

maybe
James was right
that time
when he sang
it was time
to face the truth

and that I'll never
be with you

I think maybe
you'd still
remember
that spoiler scene

I cherish
you
and the series
of events
that took place
for us to meet

for I see time
as an illusion
of our minds

I feel
we're still
meeting
everyday

and that thrill
I've felt
the first time
never left
and will never
go away

I see us
living our lives
parallel to each other
but crossing paths
never again

and it's fine now
I'll embrace
whatever life
has to bring

I'm sharing
this joy
you brought
to me
with my
offspring

watching them
grow
amazing me
every
single day
in every single way
you wouldn't imagine
so close
to my heart
and feeling
true unconditional
love for them
the only kind
there is

but knowing
they
are not really
mine

they are
through me
of life

like you

maybe
you'll meet them
one day
all grown up
on our first
sunday brunch

maybe you are
meeting them now
as you were reading
this again
for the
seven hundredth time
and left your phone
on the kitchen counter
as the doorbell rang
to welcome them
home
cause I was
with my hands
all over the preps

who knows

sorry
if this
doesn't sound
as romantic
as my previous
writings

but I had this
struck of images
I wanted to share
with you

though I
don't know
where you are
standing
now

I know
I may sound strange
almost
like a monk
finally reaching 
enlightenment

I mean
I could go
celibate too
and I wouldn't mind

cause
I want
no one else
but you

and after
all this
nothing
has changed

and I also know
I acted strange
many times
and I'm sincerely sorry
for then
and for how
I'm sounding now


for keeping quiet
and just pretending
has not been easy


I know

nothing
worth for
ever
is

I'm not being
condescending

I know things
have been
far from easy
for you too

so
I'll just
keep
sending
my best
thoughts
words
wishes
strenght

my
best
everything
to you

everything
I am allowed to
I always
will