79. Looking at tuesday morning from a fifth floor missing her

nothing's perfect
we all know
but she was so
damn close
as close as
someone
would ever be

all the bad timing
in meeting her and
the first timer like
poor choice
of words
and the annoyance
when showing
my love to her
only added
some nice twists
to our plot

I could have
done it differently
I know
but I also know me
it's just a road
I wouldn't
have gone
down

now I learned
by looking
at others that
the next natural
step is that
I might have
to go

bar crawling
keto dieting
cross fitting
religion freaked
self helped
life coached

maybe all
together at once
but
maybe none of
the above

either way
I understand
and moreover
I really feel
everyone
around me
as they
hold on
to something
in their life's
breaking point
or at least
that's what
they thought
until they finally
find that
all things
must pass
good and bad
and that the only
forgiving they needed
is the one
from themselves

maybe I could have
just been a guy
and played along
but
this time around
I choose
being a man

why now
I ask myself
sometimes

it's just that
I considered
her body
her mind
and her soul
as something
almost sacred to me
so out of this place
beyond this flesh
and bones
that someday
will rot

what I mean
is that
her whole being
was worthy of
my worshiping

in sickness
and in health
I knew I would
stand by her
even the old selfish me
really understood
but as strange
as it may sound
that didn't
freak me out
though maybe
I did
freak her

she could
made me smile
all day long
without even
being here
made my heart
beat faster
with a just a line
or two
took my breath
away
and filled my guts
with crazy errant
butterflies
instead

made me speechless
when around her
and even made me talk
when on my own

now that I feel
she's gone
I like thinking
she's better off
without me
and that I helped
easing her burden
and made her
see things
she didn't see
before me
and so
we helped
each other
grow

or maybe
I'm flattering
myself too much
who knows

but
I still keep
her memories
locked inside a box
classified
by look
by smile
by word
by scent
by touch

that
at least

I think
is my earned
right
and

my everlasting
tribute
to her
and her
crossing
through
this particular
piece of my
life
and how
she
coloured
everything
in it

in this chapter
I have to
share her
with someone
else
and I
unwillingly
abide
by time's rules

but next time
we meet
I'm sure
I will
make her
my Queen

again
like she's been
so many times
before

cause
this is
a vow
I made to her
a long
long
time
ago