84. Your bare feet under the table

often 

my days go by

between

flashbacks

from undeveloped

film strips

of your

unaware look

in sephia

taken from

every possible

angle

from which

I have adored

you

and

seemingly 

unlived

yet familiar

scenarios

that I suspect

are from

some

distant future

or

scattered

debris

from our past

in all

of them

there's you

always

lovely

as can be

maybe

in a latent form

of life

or

in that

imaginarium

my mind has created

as a decoy

to divert me

from the fact

that

I've been

missing you

so much

off the record

I have a

recurrent

image of us

having brunch

under a pergola

in our backyard 

we're having

ceviche and

grilled corn 

tortillas

the flavors 

and crispness

feel so real

I keep

smiling

watching 

you feast

until

you stop and 

ask me

what?

with your

mouth full

I say 

oh it's nothing

Milady

you 

smile back

tenderly

and 

carry on

but

what you

don't know

is that

I have

written 

and

dreamt

about us

having

this meal

for

many

long

years

now 

feeling almost

like a burden

for you

along the way

and still

here 

you are

now

83. Watching you while you're looking away

life keeps 

moving

forward

at its usual

frantic

pace

but there's another

story line

taking place

at the same time

running

parallel 

to each other

sometimes

in opposite 

directions

and at different speeds

I have 

acquired the skills

to jump 

back and forth

I just need a cue

 

sometimes

it's a song

you shared with me

other

a image

like a pink wig

or a silk kimono

a punch line

or a movie scene

the smell of 

coffee in the morning

or even  

prepping a meal

which 

by the way

happens

frequently

as I'm writing this

sitting in 

front of my desk

I'm also standing 

by your side

watching you

trying to get a soda

as the girl from

the store 

in that gas station

is struggling

with your card

if I knew

back then

what I know now

I would have

held you longer

but

I guess this

is how it was

meant to be

so

you see

how this works

but somehow

these two lines

never 

seem to collide

they did once

and that's 

more than 

most people

could ever

ask for

so

I live both of them

fully

and find magic in each

there's still a realm 

in which

I'm a master of improvisation

the lord of references

and subtle connections

maybe a ruler of many

but still a courtier

of her Majesty

because 

I have no

other way 

to express

the tickle

in my guts

when I think of you

but to call you

Milady,

my Queen

82. Vintage flashlight and a leather nécessaire

here I am

again

watching smoke rings

fluttering away 

like helium filled

balloons

out to the infinite

ever expanding 

starry sky

using winking

language

I command them

to go out

and look for you

and over you

I have a flashback

of your lovely

straight face

as you were

trying to rearrange 

my pittyful

attempt

of a blunt

when that

precise warmth 

tickles

the back

of my throat

I find myself

on the driver's seat

of a parked car

in front of a 7/11

with the engine on

I must be smiling

because

I'm thinking

about you

how 

you sucked in

a little belly

when I laid

by your side

and put my arms

around you

from the back

wishing

it could last forever

and

somehow

it did

81. Falling asleep

I find myself

bouncing

back and forth

from my desk

to the piano

then rolling 

on the rug

up to the couch

to finally stop

as my eyes

are fixated

on a meaningless

doodle 

on the whiteboard

just to be 

shaken

by the roar

of a passing car

and that 

unrelated

series 

of events

suddenly 

brings

your image

back to me

intact

and so clear

smiling

at my 

astonishment

and shortness

of breath

you could come 

to me one hundred

thousand times

and every time

I would 

still feel the same

and just like that

in any other

existence

I would recognize 

it's you

from stardust

to soul 

to flesh and skin

until we're

back being

stardust 

again

I understand

you had

no other choice

but to vanish

like you did

the circumstances

are irrelevant

as long as

you can feel me

for this 

is the only way

I can tell you 

that I'm always

carrying you 

with me